i reached a new low today, but it’s a beautiful thing.
i cant remember the last time i felt that hopeless, i even brought out the rosary.
rosary in hand, i couldn’t believe it was possible to feel like that.
i’m used to extremes, my life has hardly ever been on middle ground.
always ecstasy or in ruins, but all the while smiling, laughing and crying.
rosary in hand, i couldn’t help but laugh.. no way one day could have brought me to my knees. no fuckin way one person could make me crumble all over again.
so rosary in hand, i couldnt help but get angry.
and (i doubt it) but if you’re reading this, you outta be half expecting some religious experience and some new found faith i stumbled upon, but not quite.
……..maybe some other time, maybe when i completely lose my shit, but not today.
i won’t call it a religious experience, because it was more profound than that.
mindlessly i grabbed my father’s record player, and the paint it golden vinyl, lit my incense, lit my candles, turned off every light and let the music consume me as i laid on the floor.
a few cords in and i cried.
i cried until i was shaking, i cried until my ears started to ring.
i cried until my eyes felt raw. i cried until all the bullshit, misery, loneliness, and self loathing dissipated.
and then i cried because i realized i was never gonna have to look upward, or to some ambiguous intangible concept of a being to feel revived, to feel new, to simply feel okay.
i realized i would never have to hand over my soul, in exchange for a listening ear.
i realized i would never have to give over my body, in return for some innocent company.
because in the moments when my cries seemed deafening and incessant, the notes, the strums, the chords, the drums, all of it, still played through. and i knew, without any doubt, i knew more certainly than i have ever known anything else, that the one thing i’m ever going to need is music.
and all the shitty things i’ve done to avoid loneliness, all the miserable pathetic things i’ve believed in just to feel okay, didn’t even seem real anymore.
the one thing that will always save me is music.
and as long as i have that, i can never be lonely or weak, i can never cave to my demons, i can never have an excuse to crumble in the hands of abusers.
music took an entirely new influence over me.
i’ve rediscovered my saving grace.
wet faced, laying across my floor as the last note of Birds faded into silence, i felt entirely new.
sorry JC, that was a close one…but not today, rain check or what(n)ever.